On again but mostly always off

2013  was a rough relationship year for me and most of the dates and relationships I formed were lessons to be gained. 

I got a message from a guy and I thought "no I am not what he wants" but for some reason gave it a shot. 

Great Date. Had another the next day also great. 

He was just hired for a new job (got the phone call on our first date) so he focused on that for a bit but we talked and saw each other a couple of more times. All great. 

I was in a pretty horrible time in my life so we had a talk agreeing that I didn't want anything serious because I didn't want to drag anyone into my problems and he had just gotten out of a relationship and wanted to focus on work. Perfect! 

Then we had a few fights and I got busy and we saw each other less and less. I tried I have always tried to make it work with him. 

but a girl can only do some much. 

I also have this weird defense that I put up like I am going to joke and say that there are other girls before there actually are to make you how this is cool. 

Except its terrible and I have to stop doing that. 

Let me tell you not knowing 100% where you stand with someone takes a toll on your self esteem. Looking back on this I totally realized I wasn't the girl I thought I was. I also think this might be the reason the great date didn't work out is my past was coming back to haunt me. I had grown so accustom to this is how it is that I forgot that it could be better. 

He would always go months without talking to me and blame it on me after I had made the effort as if the phone doesn't work both ways. 

I was done. 

Then he heard I was dating again and made contact.

I thought to myself I am going to go into this the strong one with a different mindset maybe this is jut what I will need to move on. 

Only we've planned to get together two times now and he cancels. Same as always.